This is hard

This is hard... MOVING ON.

With or without communication, it's hard.

Maybe because this is my first time to really love someone beyond whatever and whoever he is. I loved him purely and I didn't care if he could not love me the way I want him to.

Haaaiii.. I don't know. God! Help me! :,(

That BS Feeling

      This is plain and simple 'bull-shit'!!! Excuse my language, but that's exactly what I feel right now.
      I cannot tell ya'll the whole story, but let me share to you a part of it. And again, please, excuse my language. I am using profanity right now for emphasis and exclamatory as this is true to my feelings.
      I have been, according to my own research, in-love to someone I am not suppose to. He has been my 'man of very special interest' for more than 2 years now. Son of a f****** b****!!! I was very clear even in the very beginning about what I wanted from him: just plain capital f****** F-r-i-e-n-d-s-h-i-p. That's f****** it!!! But what? He offered me the triple f****** A's that most, if not all girls wanted: Attention, Affection (not directly) and Admiration!!! Still, as a decent woman, I respected him (and his status), I gave him everything he wants, I even offered myself to him! Stupid, ain't it? Haha! Yeah! I can only laugh at myself to have blindly loved someone who can never reciprocate the kind of love I'm offering. He showed interest!!! He initiated it!!! He magnified that little interest I had for him and made it into something so big that I am now having hard time dealing with it!!! I was f****** loyal, loving and faithful before I met this man! But now that I've lost all those and have been turned into a stupid, head-over-hills, hopeless, desperate not so virgin b**** because of him, what do I get? "Can we please stop this?"  Man! I was like, "Woah! What did I do that made you say that? I am not even flirting with you, mother f*****? I just wanted to not make things  really obviously awkward because we are known to be goddamn friends!" Hooh! If I can only spit that out in his face! Damn it!!!
      But at the end of the day, it is my fault. I only have myself to blame. I let him use me. I let him hit it through my feelings. I became a fool. I did not use my mind right. I was overtaken by what my heart and 'id' self dictated me. So now, I am broken... I have no dignity in me anymore. I have totally destroyed the honor I have taken care of for a very very long time. And the worst? I have somehow created a great gap between my Lord and me. This is sin has taken its toll on my spirit. I am now crying not of pure worship as I used to, but of deep sorrow and regret. I surely wish I have not asked that stupid 'WHY' question. He would have kept his feelings and I would have not reacted 'like one of those crazy girls.'       So now, I got no choice but to move on on my own. See, I've tried doing this before because I know I was headed for pit fall, but I ended up using someone close to him to get the feeling covered a little bit. But, it didn't last. I did something wrong on top of what already is. So, I am making the decision to heal on my own and with my Lord's help. Yeah! My Lord, Jesus Christ! The Prince of Peace, the King of Love. See, I know how He loves me deeply and greatly but I've forsaken it for something good in the 'human feeling'. It was gravely wrong in his eyes, I know. Now, I can only pray that He forgives me and restores me. I mean, He's the only One who can do that. Not me. Not any amount of sexual activities will heal me. No man can make me move on. It should only be ME and HIM, together.
       But, nevertheless, I will never lose sight of LOVE. Love is constant and it never fails. It is us, humans and our individual perception and interpretation of love that brings us to either real happiness and and or brokenness and misery.
I can do it! 'Emanuel.'
(07/15/16)

Back

Hey! I'm back!
This is exciting for me... 😁
So, in the next days to come, I will be filling this space again with every bit of my crazy adventures and mad imaginations an 'real stories. For now, I am focusing on my assignment on one of my major subjects.
I'll see ya'll! 😚

Stuck

     It's hard if you don't have any idea what to do and how to things...

     #stuck

Eyes

                The eyes are the windows to our souls.

                When we look at each other’s eyes, we take a sneak peak at each other’s soul. And I think God has a very good reason why our eyes are positioned under the forehead, just right below our eyebrows, and why we have two instead of just one. They are beautifully and perfectly positioned on our faces.

                But, if they were placed somewhere else in our body, I think it should be at our palms. Huh, I can just imagine what eye shades or glasses would look like.

                Seriously, though, I think it would be incredible if we will have them placed on our palms. Our hands are able to rotate 360 degrees, front and back, and so we’d also be able to see 360 degrees without really moving our head or our whole body. And, when they were on our palms, we may get rid of danger more quickly. One eye on the left, while one is on the right, and then we’ll rotate them to the opposite ways making a 360 degree-turn, allowing us to see things from all directions. I think that’s going to be really awesome. 

I Am A Chocolate

*Choose an object. List down reasons you think that object represents you. From your list of reasons, choose the most powerful, the one which conveys the strongest image of you. Then make a list of things that support this main image and describe how this contribute to the you you are.

                 

                I am a chocolate bar.

                First of all, it’s sweet, and I am. Sometimes, it’s bittersweet.

                Second, it’s healthy. I think I am. I don’t really get sick really often. I'm kidding. But seriously, I think I am healthy in a way that I treat my friends with sincerity. In other words, I am not a hypocrite. (I think).

                Third, it’s a source of energy. According to nutritionist, this has a lot of sugar, and sugar gives energy. It keeps people alive, and kicking. And I am energetic. I sometimes start the fun whenever my friends and I get together. I can be the sweetest chocolate you’ve ever tasted!

                I’d like to think that I should highlight my being bittersweet as a chocolate.

                People misinterprets my strong personality as something negative; that I may sometimes be possessive, or over protective, bossy or something like that. I admit, I may overreact sometimes, but this is because I want everyone that I love to be safe and not make foolish decisions like I did. I want them to be better than me, or be not like me at all, because, I’ve been a mess. I’ve done many things I should have not, and I have not done a lot many things I should have. So, yes, I’m not going to deny that I am bittersweet in this sense. But please give me a chance. I just know this kind of love.

Trainer Hopeful

                I want to take my 4-day training sessions with my fellow TDP (Training Development Program) trainees as the highlight of my life for this month – September. It was a fun-filled learning experience as we were able to acquire basic knowledge about how to handle a class of adults who may come from different walks of life, with different priorities in life, with different skill and will levels. Although the training was not a guarantee for the position, TDP’s will be the first in line when openings come.

                I’ve wanted to be a teacher. I always think that whatever useful knowledge I have, I should share to people, not because I know, but because this may be helpful for them. So when the opportunity came knocking at my door, I took it – with open hand. I was on the verge of giving up that time. I already handed in my resignation letter to my team leader. But when the program opened, I took the chance. I did not expect anything. I was ready to go, but I was chosen, and this held me on. And now, I’m on my way.

                Now, I need to ponder on many things. I need to ask myself loads of questions like: Shall I pursue my studies this time? Or shall I just focus on the program and wait for that shot at the position?